With the 2012 presidential election just months away and congress’s approval rating nearing an all-time low, perhaps it’s time to consider another way of choosing our leaders.
The way they decided things in the old days. The way the law of the jungle decides who bleeds and who breeds.
For the 2012 presidential election, let it be decided by stroke play over 18 holes. At a classic American venue. Torrey Pines South Course. From the blues.
Anyone caught cheating is automatically out.
Mitt Romney, the current front-running challenger, tees off first. His drive goes left. Or was it right? No one seems to remember. But his swing earns a polite smattering of applause.
Next up is the incumbent golfer-in-chief who has what the other candidates have termed an ‘Unfair Advantage.’ Fortunately for President Obama, President Eisenhower installed a putting green on the White House lawn. Obama often steps out between meetings or after Michelle and the kids go to bed. But no one is quite sure if he’s practicing or trying to channel Ike’s ghost .
His tee shot starts out way left but comes to rest somewhere in the middle.
‘Next on the tee, from Marrietta, Georgia, Newt Gingrich,’ the announcer says over a megaphone. Gingrich turns from unsuccessfully trying to kiss a baby and steps up and launches a drive that careens off a spectator’s head but lands in the fairway.
Ron Paul hits next. Unfortunately the Dr.’s week drive doesn’t make it past the white tees. But even after the 9th hole and being far back of the other candidates, Paul refuses to bow out.
John Huntsman, the reigning Governor of Utah hits next in this fivesome. No one is really sure why he’s here but he’s dignified, handsome and nice. So why not? If only he golfed as well as he spoke Chinese. His drive lands down the middle but well back of the leaders.
A simple game to decide the chief executive of the Free World will end in one day. No primaries. No fundraising. No yearlong presidential campaigns. Just one golf match.
After a few double-bogies, Gingrich is disqualified on the third hole for trying to bribe a rules official.
Huntsman and Paul made the contest more interesting but neither never really had a chance.
Romney, who despite being a multi-millionaire, played with an old set of K-Mart clubs. Apparently, all of Obama’s night putting paid off a little. But he’s still tied with Romney after 17.
As Romney and Obama step up on to the 18th tee, they are greeted with a fanatical crowd roar. Both smile and wave but their smiles fade when they realize the roar is coming from behind them, back on the 17th green.
Despite never having golfed a day in his life and double-bogeying several holes on the front 9, Tim Tebow, has just made another birdie, and now one down to the politicians.
The site of Tebow causes the two candidates to spray their drives into opposite fairway bunkers.
Tim Tebow’s drive lands down the middle 316 yards from the tee.
Romney and Obama are away. Each hits an identical lay-up shot on the par 5 finishing hole just short of Devlin’s Pond. Commentators criticize Romney’s shot and praise Obama’s and vice versa.
Does anyone know what time it is? That’s right folks, it’s Tebow Time!
The quarterback who looks more like a tight end laces a two iron that gingerly comes to rest next to the hole for a tap-in eagle!
With both players’ balls equidistant from the green, Romney politely insists Obama go first. After much debate, which can be seen on C-SPAN4, Romney and Obama are assessed 2-stroke penalties under USGA Rule 6-7 for undue delay.
After Tim Tebow makes his eagle, he is sworn-in on the 18th green as 45th President of the United States. Though he doesn’t quite meet the minimum age requirement in the Constitution, our new Golfer-in-Chief earned the job by outperforming the field in a gentleman’s game.